Do you have to love your mother?

I have been debating this topic with friends and family for years. I've had a terrible relationship with my mom since I was a little girl. I always assumed it was because I was the middle child that was opinionated and hyper. My older brother was quiet and stayed in his room and my little sister was always sick. She had a kidney disease and stayed in the hospital a lot. I was the hyper little girl with strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes that took the blunt of the her wrath. She has told me on numerous occasions how she doesn't love me or she wish she would have just aborted me. She has to tear me down to the core in order to make herself feel better. I have grown immune to her over the years. We are not capable of a healthy relationship so I just keep my distance. Over the years of her hurtful rants about me I have grown indifferent to her. I don't love her or hate her; I nothing her. My family and friends claim I have to love her because she is my mother, but I don't think I do.

 For as long as I can recall whenever I disagreed with anything she said she immediately tore me down. We never had your typical mother / daughter relationship. I have cut her a lot of slack from my early childhood. She was married to a very mean violent man, my father. I can only imagine what she went through being in her mid - late 20's with three children and husband that beat on you daily. Just a little FYI, my dad never cared much for me either. He asked my mom to abort me so he could get a motorcycle. That's a story for another day. I do hold her accountable for how she has behaved since then. She married my step father 25 years ago, and he is an amazing man. He will have a special place in heaven for tolerating her for so long.

When I started my period, at the age 13, I was called a whore and got the hell beat out of me. She was convinced I had sex and that is why I started my period. I was made to sleep on the couch, on a dirty sheet. A whore wasn't going to bleed on her mattress; I had new a mattress. In 8th grade an idiot boy wrote in my yearbook "I would be a better friend if I gave him a BJ". I didn't see what he wrote until I was home. When she saw this remark she ripped my yearbook to pieces and and beat me with it. Now these jovial tales I could tell all day, but I wouldn't want you to have too much fun today.

Once I was able to move out of her house, when I was 19, I never looked back. However, she still tries to emotionally cripple me. I believe it is what she enjoys the most out of life. She has made a voodoo doll of me, tries to put curses on me, tells her friends I died (one of my favorites). When I have irritated her my pictures are taken down and she tells everyone I died. She has ripped my birth certificate up in front of me. You know, the typical stuff. The latest has been going on for the last few months, I won't bore you with all the details, but I have decided I am finally done with her. I do not acknowledge her behavior any longer. I do not return her nasty phone calls, you should hear the messages. I do not return her mean text messages and I do not go around her any longer. My son and I did not spend the holidays with her instead we went to other family members who love us for us. This has only added fuel to the fire. In the last week she has called me a whore ( nothing new there) wished me dead, wished she had aborted me, can't wait for me to die so she can have the last laugh, hopes my son dies as well.  She doesn't treat my brother or sister this way. She has admitted to me and other people that she doesn't love me like she loves her other kids.Now, here is the question, do you have to love your mother? Just because she gave birth to me, does this give her the right to treat me inhumane. This has been going on for 35 years, when is enough enough? 

Men, this is why we are crazy.

I was dating this guy, everything was going well - I thought. We had only been dating about 2 months, it was a blind date set up by my cousin. After Thanksgiving things started feeling weird. There was the trip he took to Gatlinburg, with a friend. I never questioned this, I didn't feel like it was my place. We had talked about how we didn't want to label our "relationship" and we weren't even sure either of us was ready for a commitment. I didn't feel like I should question him.
     After Gatlinburg, we attended his company Christmas Party. He introduced me to his co-workers as his girlfriend, yes he said it I never did.We had the best time and things seemed right. The next day I was offered free tickets to a concert and asked if he would like to go, it was one of his favorite artist. He said no, he wasn't a big fan. I was ok with this. After a few days of not hearing from him things seemed weird, unanswered calls, no reply to my texts. We finally had a long talk and he expressed to me that he felt like we were moving too fast, he had developed strong feelings too soon and thought we needed to take a step back. I was confused, but I agreed with his wishes. He promised and swore to me that there was no one else, he just needed time for himself, to think. The "it's not you, it's me". He called me a few times over the next few days to chit chat, we even discussed getting together. The next day, I was deleted from his Facebook.
      My cousin, who set us up, ended up selling him the concert tickets I offered him, to take another girl to the concert. A 19 year old girl, he is 40, I am 35. He had been seeing this girl for a few weeks, she is a customer where he works. I have not called, text or bothered him in the least, he made his choice and that is fine. I am not allowed to respond the way I want because then I will be labeled as "crazy". When someone hurts you aren't you allowed to let them know? How should I feel that instead of going to the concert, for free, with me. He would rather pay to go with her, a 19 year old. He has made a point to comment, after me, on mutual friends Facebook status updates. He has even included my name. I ignore these comments, they are never derogatory, just reminiscent.
     Why not just be honest from the beginning? This is why women are "crazy". Men confuse us, but we aren't allowed to call them out or we are considered "crazy". Did he really think I wouldn't find out he bought the tickets from my cousin? He even lied and said it was a surprise, for me. My cousin will not call him out on lying, the "Man Code" and they work together. He doesn't want to get involved. Men, trust me when I say this you can be honest with us. We get mad and have a fit when we find out we have been lied to and made to look like a fool.    

What if I am destined to be that girl?

         Do you ever sit and wonder about when and where your life changed and made you the person you are? I have been thinking lately about my self destructive behaviors and when I may have developed these. As long as I can remember I have been very curious about the opposite sex, I knew I loved boys.
          My first encounter was with my neighbor, we were 5, for some reason we thought we would meet in the field in front of my house and play "I will show you mine, if you show me yours." Is this normal behavior for 5 year olds, probably not. I remember in kindergarten unbuttoning my shirt to show a little boy my lacey undershirt. I promised him this if he let me have a turn in the "play center" I wanted. The teacher found out and told my mother. Needless to say, my mother wasn't thrilled with this.
        Throughout school there were many incidents where I used my body to gain attention. I lost my virginity when I was 15 to a boy my parents hated, in the woods. After we finished, two minutes later, I was smiling and happy because "he really liked me", then he asked me to sleep with his friend. I didn't do it thank God, but I remember the sickest feeling on my way home.
        I slept with a boy because he claimed he wouldn't drop out of school if I did. I thought I was doing a good thing, I was keeping a boy in school. He dropped out the next day, evidentally I wasn't that good. I was labeled a whore all through school, and at home. I lived in a small town so word got around. Lets just say I never made my mother proud. She would call me a whore and I would reply with, "thanks for noticing". There are so many examples where I used my looks and body to get what I wanted. While at the time I didn't have a problem with this behavior, I always felt used and guilty when it was over.
            I dated a married man for 10 years, he caused me nothing but heartache and pain. I allowed this for 10 years. He talked me into things sexually that I am still so ashamed of, but it was what he wanted so I did it. He caused the break up of the only man I truly believe I ever loved, and I cheated on him with this married man. What kind of person does that, oh and they were best friends.
          To this day men use me for what they need at the time, then dismiss me until next time they need me. Each time I think I have met someone decent, some how I manage to self destruct the relationship. I am an attractive woman, educated, independent and very witty. My friends claim I should go into stand up and get my own sitcom. My therapist claims I use my humor as a defense mechanism.
          Now that I am an adult I often wonder why I continue with these same destructive patterns. Why can't I maintain a healthy relationship with a man. I have never been faithful to anyone. I have two failed marriages and two children. I don't want to be "that girl", but what if I am destined to be "that girl".It's as if I will do anything for the attention of a man, regardless of what it is or at what cost of my dignity.

I don't know why I decided to start a blog and I am not even sure what I will blog about. Today I'm just trying to figure out why I am the way I am.