Do you ever sit and wonder about when and where your life changed and made you the person you are? I have been thinking lately about my self destructive behaviors and when I may have developed these. As long as I can remember I have been very curious about the opposite sex, I knew I loved boys.
My first encounter was with my neighbor, we were 5, for some reason we thought we would meet in the field in front of my house and play "I will show you mine, if you show me yours." Is this normal behavior for 5 year olds, probably not. I remember in kindergarten unbuttoning my shirt to show a little boy my lacey undershirt. I promised him this if he let me have a turn in the "play center" I wanted. The teacher found out and told my mother. Needless to say, my mother wasn't thrilled with this.
Throughout school there were many incidents where I used my body to gain attention. I lost my virginity when I was 15 to a boy my parents hated, in the woods. After we finished, two minutes later, I was smiling and happy because "he really liked me", then he asked me to sleep with his friend. I didn't do it thank God, but I remember the sickest feeling on my way home.
I slept with a boy because he claimed he wouldn't drop out of school if I did. I thought I was doing a good thing, I was keeping a boy in school. He dropped out the next day, evidentally I wasn't that good. I was labeled a whore all through school, and at home. I lived in a small town so word got around. Lets just say I never made my mother proud. She would call me a whore and I would reply with, "thanks for noticing". There are so many examples where I used my looks and body to get what I wanted. While at the time I didn't have a problem with this behavior, I always felt used and guilty when it was over.
I dated a married man for 10 years, he caused me nothing but heartache and pain. I allowed this for 10 years. He talked me into things sexually that I am still so ashamed of, but it was what he wanted so I did it. He caused the break up of the only man I truly believe I ever loved, and I cheated on him with this married man. What kind of person does that, oh and they were best friends.
To this day men use me for what they need at the time, then dismiss me until next time they need me. Each time I think I have met someone decent, some how I manage to self destruct the relationship. I am an attractive woman, educated, independent and very witty. My friends claim I should go into stand up and get my own sitcom. My therapist claims I use my humor as a defense mechanism.
Now that I am an adult I often wonder why I continue with these same destructive patterns. Why can't I maintain a healthy relationship with a man. I have never been faithful to anyone. I have two failed marriages and two children. I don't want to be "that girl", but what if I am destined to be "that girl".It's as if I will do anything for the attention of a man, regardless of what it is or at what cost of my dignity.
I don't know why I decided to start a blog and I am not even sure what I will blog about. Today I'm just trying to figure out why I am the way I am.
I'd like to say something to the effect of, "There is no future but what we make"... but no matter how much I mean it, it will probably sound like an empty platitude. I do mean every word of it, though.
ReplyDeleteYou are not destined to be "that girl". There are many paths placed before us in life, and our actions determine what paths we shall walk. Eventually, our choices and the time still left to us are what determine what final path we will tread... but until that path is set - and it won't truly be set until you're well into your 50s or so - you still have options, you can still learn to change negative behaviors into positive ones, you can still fight for your future.